Friday, July 4, 2014

Him

Ah, I'm back. But this blog post won't be for an update on my life. It's more of an emotional outlet (once again).

I feel like I'm falling back into the honeymoon phase again. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him again, and it scares me. Because I've never needed someone so much before, and it's terrifying that I am so dependent on his presence and affection. I can't concentrate on anything, and I used to be able to do everything with such clarity. I want to be with him all the time, and it tires me out because I can't. I feel so obsessive and it needs to stop.

He's reassured me so many times that he loves me, and that there is a future with both of us in it. I can count on him for that, and I can count on myself to always love him and be in love with him. But I just really, really miss him, you know? He plagues my thoughts and even though we've been in this for a bit over 2 years, I do feel so happy when I'm around him. I feel so happy when I see his texts and I feel so special. I hope he does too.

I don't want us to grow apart, and so I'm doing everything I can to see him and just spend time together.  So we can stop that. I was talking to one of my best friends a couple of nights ago, and she said that time is indefinite in these cases. Some people may feel that 2 years is an insignificant amount of time to be with a person, and not connect with them until years later. But others might be different.

I feel that with him, 2 years has been a long time. I felt that we've known each other for so long, known how we are as individuals and how we are together. We know how to deal with each other, and we've been through our fair share of hardships. I feel that  in terms of our ideals and values, we can come together on that. He also mentioned that finding someone after high school was difficult, because then it'd be two different words coming together.

If that's the case, it makes me even gladder than I am now (and I'm really, really glad to have him. I feel that glad is a huge understatement, though). I was able to share memories with him throughout high school, throughout the transition to uni and also throughout the start of the career I love. He has been with me every step of the way, and I want to be with him, too. I want to be with him for every milestone, every event, and every moment he needs my support. I love him.

But the reason why I've been so scared is because I'm afraid of losing him. I have never been so scared of losing someone before, no matter how much I've connected with them. I feel that, out of all the relationships I've had, this one is the most vivid. This one is the one. This one is the one that feels right. And I'm so afraid that if I make another mistake, he's gone. He's so forgiving, we do argue quite a bit, and I always try to fix it, but I feel that after what has happened, he might be go and never look back. And I don't know what I'd do without him. I'd be so lost and I'd lose my grounding.

I miss him, so much.

Because without him, everything doesn't make sense, and without him, I don't feel that I'm me.

He said one thing, though, that I'd always remember: "if we were to end it, I think it would be for the best". It was in the heat of the moment, but I know for sure, that it wouldn't be for the best. Because I'm at my very best when I'm with him. Heck, the best part of me is him.

A heart doesn't break even, and I know I'd be the one trying to pick up the pieces of my heart, all the while cutting my fingers and palms.

I love him and though it's repetitive, I will always, always put him first.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Grateful

I haven't posted in a long while. I could say it's because of university and whatnot, but really, I felt this whole semester was centred around rekindling and repairing almost all my near-severed relationships, experiencing a different environment and starting to look after myself again. I'm still in the process of self-care, but I'm slowly getting there.

Several people have commented that I've lost quite a bit of cheek, but I suppose I'm on the way to regaining it again. I plan to. I've been feeling so out-of-whack lately, because I don't normally eat meals at the correct time, nor do I eat plentiful meals. They are healthy, though - lots of veggies, enough protein and carbohydrates and whatnot, to keep me going. But I do know one thing is for sure - my sleeping cycle is in dire need of repair. But I do have a reason.

Earlier this year (stemming from an issue during this time last year), I went through a rough patch. But I do believe it was entirely my fault. I almost lost the one person that supported me through everything - the one who listened and loved me unconditionally. In retrospect, I now see how foolish I was to even think, for one moment, that everything had been permanent, and that I was able to gallivant however I wanted and whenever I pleased. No. It's true, yes, that I'd have liked freedom back then, but I took for granted everything I had with him. How I dealt with him had been on a whim, and I wish I wasn't so rash back then. I wish I could erase that horrible blot from our memories together.

We're still together, just so you know.

And stronger than ever.

But how he dealt with the situation was so harsh - and I don't blame him a single bit. It scarred me emotionally, and to this day when I think about it, the feeling is still so raw. My eyes are pulsating as I'm trying to articulate this. I think that experience left me extremely insecure and paranoid about how I had been dealing with people, and how much I've changed as a person. I feel extremely self-conscious about my appearance as well - and there was one point where my self-esteem hit rock-bottom. I no longer feel that I have a happy demeanor I used to project through my smiles anymore, like I did during high school. I feel that I'm more conscious about how I am, how to work things out, and to be a lot more considerate. I feel like I need to appraise almost every situation - not for its monetary value, but for how it would benefit the other person, and how I can also manage myself, all the while minimising collateral damage.

To this very moment, this very minute, I'm still extremely insecure - physically and emotionally. I'm extremely happy about where I am now with him, and I'm looking forward to each day as it is - but at the same time, I'm improving myself as well. I'm trying to better myself as a person, and I'm trying to regain the optimistic outlook I had when I was in high school. I can't imagine myself with anyone else and I don't want to, either. I can't believe it took me this long to come to terms with myself, and all along, he was there.

Always.

Thank you, darling. I love you. I won't lose you again.

Anyway, away from that - I bought myself a skipping rope, in hopes that I would actually exercise. I have yet to use it. It arrived a week ago. Hm. I've also started reading again (Poison Study by Maria V. Snyder) and it has been sooo good.

I'm actually feeling quite tired right now, so perhaps I can continue where I left off. But I feel quite an immense emotional weight lifted off me, because I was able to come to terms with everything that has happened. I'm glad that it has happened, but at the same time, regretful that it had to get that bad before I had realised it. Reality was knocking at my door.

Anyway, toodle-loo!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Investment

Sometimes I feel like I care too much.

That's such a huge burden, when I realise that I end up expecting so much.

It's the little things that escape you.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Solace

I don't feel... comfortable with telling you certain things anymore, because of what you've said and how you're seeing me as someone who needs to "man up".

Working in that setting is very demanding - physically and emotionally. Ask anyone who goes into health.

It's sad, because I'm withdrawing all these thoughts that I want to share with you, because you pass it off as a weakness.

It's sad, because you're the one I trusted the most to not judge me, nor tell me how to feel.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Disappointed

I've grown to hate that word.

Because I'll never outgrow it, in your eyes, right?

Friday, March 7, 2014

I miss you

I miss you so much.

I wish I could turn back time so that I had different goals, so that I didn't have to put you through that.

Now, I'm going to see it through to the very end. Now, I'm going to suffer without you - because honestly, nothing is better than knowing that you'd be with me no matter what. That you're there no matter what.

Thursday made me miss you even more, because I realised how normal everything was. How seeing you after you finish class was exciting, how sitting in lectures with you was fun (even though I had no idea what was going on), how grabbing lunch with you was so... normal. I didn't feel so lonely anymore.

You love me, and I love you, but this distance is horrible. I want to talk to you all the time, I want to be with you all the time.

I genuinely miss you, and I'm slipping because of this heartache. I want to see you, all the time.

Gosh, I'm so clingy and attached.

But honestly, I love you.

I miss you so much, and I will never stop thinking about you.

You are truly, absolutely, the person I love with all my heart, and I will never give up on you, or on us.

I will try my very hardest, every single moment, even when the times are bleak.

You said we'd break if we get too ambitious - but honestly, I'd be content going where you'd go, being where you'd be. I would stifle my goals for you, because you are my priority. If you get too ambitious, I'll be there to support you. No matter what.

I'm not going to turn away anymore.

I'd be content with you being happy.

I love you, and I mean it. I love you, and I would say it, feel it and show it over, and over again. I want to make you happy.

I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again, and I don't want to be the only one holding on.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It's been a week

If happy is what you want to be, I'll try my hardest. No matter what.

Intentional or unintentional, I will try my absolute hardest.